Path to Happiness
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BOUNDARIESIt is the boundary that defines the scope and reach of an entity, whether this is a country’s border, the front door of your house or the clear definition of self. It distinguishes between included and excluded. Nothing is immutable and, as much as national borders shift over time, so does the scope of self, the personality. Yet we are only as strong as our defences and, moment by moment, we are required to make a statement that defines who we are so that we know what to project and protect. We must defend our boundaries because we are constantly under pressure from external forces that will want to shape us according to their own purposes, not ours.
It is entirely unrealistic to believe we can apply discipline over external forces unless we have developed self-discipline. Without self-discipline, our boundaries cannot hold. The very qualities that are needed to be self-controlled are those that control invasive forces in the external world. Employers, salesmen, politicians and parents are examples of persuasive forces that are not above taking advantage of poorly-boundaried individuals. Also, it is not only the school bully that we need to defend against; in fact the likeliest people to be invasive at times are probably our lovers, family members and closest friends. |
Self-disciplineWe can identify the need for stronger boundaries in two ways. Firstly the physical body registers this weakness as discomfort; we experience pain or illness when we have allowed inappropriate things to occur. This is not only crying out when someone steps on our toe, it is also the chronic morning cough of a cigarette smoker or the drinker’s hangover because they couldn’t say No to the offer of ‘one-for-the-road’. Social pressure and commercial greed are powerful agencies that make it likelier for us to ingest poisons. Beyond this, there is a physical message in the body when we are imposed upon mentally or emotionally. A feeling in the gut or the heart, sweatiness of the palms, an adrenalin rush, a feeling of sexual urgency, loss of speech, dryness in the mouth and similar experiences are all indicators of possible imposition.
Secondly, we notice that our spontaneity is thwarted or dull. Unless we can readily express our authentic thoughts and feelings, then most assuredly we have been squeezed into a shape that is unnatural. Sadly this is so commonplace that it is hard for people to understand or accept as true. It offends the ego to believe that we are inauthentic. Yet the only legitimate place for us to be, the only authentic work to do, social group to attend, life to live, is one that allows us freely to express who we are without fear or restriction. The reason we do not is that our boundaries have been weak and we have suffered imposition by allowing others’ will to dominate our own. |
Bullies and SeducersThe need for strong boundaries occurs in two scenarios: against those who bully and against those who suck. It must not be imagined that these are occasional or unusual occurrences; they are constant and ubiquitous facts of life. The bullies push. Whether they know that they are bullying is entirely irrelevant in this context. Obviously the responsibly rests upon us not to impose upon another by being insensitive, uncaring or abusive. Yet there is an equivalent responsibility not to allow another to get away with being insensitive or abusive against us. We actually enable the bully by allowing them to push us. What is meant by the word bully here is one who disregards the preferences of another and asserts their own because they have the power. Most certainly we include parents, employers and salesmen.
In the opposite direction, the yin rather than the yang, are those who seduce. Flirting is a very obvious example. If a person awakens the sexual appetite of another for amusement with no intention to bring satisfaction, then they are being somewhat abusive. Also emotional blackmail is a device whereby a person draws upon the energy of another, often using social pressure as a tool. A child might elicit extra pocket money with a winning smile and a sob-story, or an old lady might pressurise her dutiful son to visit her inconveniently often, without any attempt to offer an exchange of enjoyable attention. Society would pity the old woman because she is old, in this way friends and neighbours would become the pressure that compels the compliant son, who cannot refute convention however uncomfortable he might feel. Pity very often gives evidence that this sucking behaviour is taking place. The enactment of good boundaries is entirely described by our knowledge and effective experience of the word No. We must learn what the word means and express this knowledge clearly and consistently. No means No. |
Appropriate Use of ForceIt is elegant and shows grace to enact this without violence. If atmosphere is enough, a glance is redundant; if a glance is enough, a word is unnecessary; if a word is enough then physical force is shameful; if a punch is sufficient then a bullet is criminal. But if a bullet is required then it should be applied. Too much force is violence – but the violence lies in ‘too much’ not the force itself. Certain crimes must be prevented by appropriate force.
If ambiguity has been delivered, then abuse will certainly arise. A parent must expect a child to break the rules if punishment is applied confusingly or inconsistently. Then the parent is the problem not the child. Equally if a husband comes home from the pub and takes his wife without sufficient sensitivity, perhaps once or twice we can point a finger at the brute, but if it’s every time, then the issue is more to do with her boundaries than his brutishness. This is not a question of morality; it is a question of reality. If we feel abused then we must speak up. If that doesn’t work, then we must remove ourselves from harm’s way, or suffer the consequences without blame or self-pity. It takes strength to do this. |
Self-respect, Self-love and HappinessWithout boundaries there will not be respect. It is not feasible to expect to be respected unless we have clear, strong, consistent boundaries. Further, without receiving respect we will not experience self-respect; without self-respect we will not experience respect from others. They are two sides of the same coin. And without self-respect there can be neither self-love nor happiness.
However idealistic we may be about human nature, about spiritual philosophies of loving acceptance and compassion, the hard truth is that we live in the natural world; and Nature is harsh. Beneath a very thin veneer of civilisation and civil behaviours, the animal nature is strong within us all, and acts unconsciously. As survival issues become higher in profile, animal tendencies re-emerge. Animals kill to eat, and fight to claim a place to be. A mature strong adult demands respect and can enforce their right to defend their own and their family’s needs for physical and emotional stability. This claim is enacted by learning the meaning of the word No. |
IDENTITY
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Testing Imposed LimitsNo other being that is alive today, has ever existed or ever will exist, is very much like any other. In fact, when we look at any individual we find their package of idiosyncrasies to be completely different from everyone else’s to a remarkable degree. Each of us has somewhat similar physical characteristics, but psychologically this is far from true. The mind of each one of us, and therefore our perceptions and emotional experiences, is absolutely unique.
In order to rub along together, we make rules and suggestions about the extent to which self-expression is permitted. Quite reasonably, it is thought expedient to limit pushing and pulling so that the community can function. Yet we always have to test whether these imposed limits correctly reflect the best interests of society as a whole, or whether they serve a powerful, fearful and fearsome elite. And anyway, inwardly or when alone there is really no reason to compress our sense of who we are, what we think, and how we feel. Such unwarranted compression is harmful and must be challenged by informed, mature individuals. |
Identity is Shaped by Early InfluencesDuring the formative period of life, as young children, we shape our thoughts and behaviours in alignment with both parents; we copy them. Since we are rather more attentive when they disagree with each other, and it is in our best survival interests to have them in harmony together, we tend unconsciously to adopt a balancing strategy. So the base-line qualities of our own identity are a blend of mother’s and father’s, and something else in between. For example, if unconsciously mother is always kind and father is always parsimonious, the child might grow to be generous with loved ones and tight-pursed with all other expenditures, and highly aware of this as a successful financial policy. During the teenage period the appropriate behaviour in order to bond with peers is rebelliousness; but still it is in reference to, and therefore shaped by, parents.
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Life Begins at 40We can see this parental blend of qualities, feelings, beliefs and attitudes as a family template. The third force, that which modifies from the template into individuality, is the creative urge of the self. This is the essence of individual identity, which takes time to unfold and flower. Although hints are in clear evidence during infancy, which become very much clearer in childhood, even during the 20s there remains a lot of uncertainty about how to present ourselves in the world. Indeed the phrase ‘life begins at 40’ could really better be seen to mean ‘identity has matured by 40’. The older we get, the more eccentric (ex-centric) we become, in other words we have our own centre of self, which is not excessively that of either our parents or society’s norms.
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Identity-shaping AgenciesAll of our interactions with friends, lovers, family and society demand of us some special attitude. In each case we are supported and encouraged to become individual and interesting to be with, and so a colourful range of expression is generally likely to bring pleasant attention. Family tends to be more restrictive, society less so, provided we stay within boundaries of normality. Lovers are usually more deeply supportive of our emotional peculiarities, and friends are typically far less judgemental than others when we do and say strange things. These are generalisations of course, but perhaps helpful as guidelines.
That said, all of these identity-shaping agencies are also very restricting at times. They all have their own needs and agendas and will not be infinitely tolerant when we rattle their cages or resist their persuasion. Friends collectively create peer-group pressure, society scapegoats extremism, parents project their unfulfilled ambitions upon their adult kids, and lovers have self-centred emotions, which inevitably lead to some degree of manipulation. Let’s not get too upset about this; it is the way it is and ever has been so. The rewards and penalties for having our identity align or rebel must be viewed for what they are – the grit that allows the pearl to form. Be aware that the rewards are more difficult to resist than the penalties! A flattering pat on the head can be rather more harmful in fact because it is so seductive. These pats on the head include titles at work, awards and salary increases. |
Eternal Trial-and-ErrorThe building of identity is a trial and error procedure that actually never ends, and who we are is an eternal work-in-progress. A great many people would benefit from copying an amoeba. This creature’s only strategy is to try something else whenever its chosen path is blocked.
Lots of aspects of identity are of trivial importance to us and should not become defining features. Does it really matter to you who wins the match? Do you care much whether right or left get elected? Maybe you do – but maybe you actually don’t care. The key issues – what matters – need to be identified and sponsored. Typically, these are best described in terms of qualities rather than opinions. Qualities such as kindness, capability, fairness and humour for example, but it’s your choice. Then they can be defined as principles. |
Expediency and PrincipleA well-defined identity is described by a set of principles consistently applied. A principle is a pre-scripted decision to act in a particular way, no matter how inconvenient. It is not expediency that drives us to self-realisation; it is principle.
Life is change. Always we will come across new situations for which we have no map, no experience, and no predetermined safe course of response available. In such circumstances an unprincipled person can blow about in an unresolved state of confusion with no sense of what to do. This is very uncomfortable and leads to the surrender of will to whomever is clear and dominant. A strong sense of self is the power to stand firm as the winds of change blow hard. Firm identity is a rock. |
The Essential Life MysteryEven more important than this is the understanding that it is our existential purpose to form the best personality we can. Without this the very meaning of life, though it can be glimpsed, can never be revealed. This is because the meaning of life is different for each one of us and cannot be inherited, copied or even learned; it has to be discovered. Discovery occurs as the self becomes itself. This is the essential life mystery.
To complete this life mission requires us to find both clarity and courage. It takes clarity to see which aspects of our identity are inauthentic, and courage to declare that we disagree with what has been imposed upon us. Naturally some of our parents’ qualities are indeed completely in alignment with our essence-self, so too are society’s norms. But not all of them. The task is to see this and act upon our perception. All in all identity is a creative art-work and there is no legitimate power that has the authority to limit our full spontaneous expression of true self. |
CHOICE
Importance of Affirming Free WillEvery single one of our choices adds to the story and leads to further options; each contributes something to the life we are building and none is without consequence. A choice is a very important event. It is implied that when we choose one option we thereby deny the possibility in that moment of choosing any other.
The only thing unavailable in a world of free will is choicelessness; choice is an imperative and in fact a moment-by-moment constant of life. Suffering the penalty for not exercising choice is itself a choice – the choice to surrender to another’s will or the status quo. Surrender may well be the best option, yet if there is to be happiness it needs to be chosen consciously and not imposed. |
Grasping OpportunityThe freedom to choose needs to be used fully if we are to optimise life circumstances. The potential to choose is undeniable, but the range of options diminishes through a kind of entropy unless we exercise this freedom. Freedom is like money-in-the-pocket, it only has conceptual value until it is spent.
Opportunities flow abundantly through our lives like rivers that have a past and a future. However, they are available for only a short time, and the grasping of them requires vitality. Timing has special importance in this too. A fruit picked early or late usually brings disappointment. It is a tricky balancing skill to have both the patience and trust to allow for ripening, and also the enthusiasm and assertiveness to pick it before its magnificence fades. |
We Need Life PrinciplesOccasionally on reflection we may come to recognise that we are making certain choices regularly, despite the fact that the consequences are sub-optimal. We may wake up each and every Sunday morning wishing we had chosen to have one less drink last night, yet Saturday comes around and we do the exact same thing again. That’s not something an amoeba would do. Or the more serious long-term version might be getting caught up with lovers who have sex appeal but no conversation. It’s too late the morning after – whether with the hangover or an unsuitable lover.
Since temptation takes so many forms and disguises, we would assuredly benefit from having a pre-determined set of policies, and create the practices of life out of them. These policies contribute in a major way to the form of our identity. Having them does not have to limit the freedom to be appropriately spontaneous. It just makes it easier to be who we choose to be if we have a clear sense of our default behaviour – those things we choose in the absence of overriding factors. |
Limiting Our ChoicesThe range of choice is unlimited in one sense, in that our options are without number. Yet in another sense, we can add structure to limit the compass of choices available in order to make them more comprehensible and less overwhelming. Esoteric wisdom offers some guidelines. Four basic elements are observed as fire, earth, air and water. We can opt to be more dynamic, more practical, more philosophical or more empathic for example. Three basic attitudes also exist – initiating, stabilising or adaptable. We can opt to be more inventive, more fixed, or more accommodating.
These two patterns combine into a rainbow of personality types – from someone who is frequently the person who originates dynamic new initiatives through to the one who can normally quite readily empathise and accommodate another’s way of being, and rarely starts anything. In practice, we access any and all of these modes of being, yet almost certainly have tendencies to be a certain way given certain situations. It is helpful to expand our experience by occasionally choosing differently. |
Listening to What the Body SaysTwo aspects contribute to our choice-making. One is mental, where we have thought things through to a point where we have principles and policies, and a formulated philosophy of sorts. The other is rooted in the physical body. We have a vast and meaningful compendium of knowledge stored inside us and it steers us true if only we remember to access it. We access it by simple, yet subtle observation. Many signs exist to tell us what is good and what is not a good thing. Gut feeling is but one; the body has ancient memories coded into it, and these need not be left dormant. They are awakened to the extent that we use them and trust them. Typically they are felt as excitement or tension in some particular area. Similarly words can slip into the mouth and announce evidence of unconscious truths – the Freudian Slip is a celebrated example. They speak volumes, but only if we listen will we hear the message they give us.
It is surely trite to observe that life is an abundantly rich experience, and yet that is not how many people see it in practice. It is more typical to meet a person who is disgruntled with their job, frustrated with their children, bored or worse with their partner, and barely able to fend off depression with drugs and television. This suggests a history of poor choices. |
Duty of HappinessVitality expresses itself through enthusiasm and spontaneity; it is underwritten by confidence and self-love. And surely our primary imperative is vitality? Being alive requires that we make choices, and the absence of this is lifelessness. So to ask the question – why is my life so dispiriting? begs the answer – because you made a series of choices that betrayed your authenticity. Then the question becomes – what can I do? and the answer is self-evident: choose differently – now and from now on, always. How do I know what to choose? Consult your body feelings and your principles. If one choice doesn’t work, then make another, and another, until happiness is your normal everyday state of being. It is not a privilege, it is not only a right, it is a duty to live in happiness.
One last thought about choice. It does not always have to be backed up with action. This is subtle, and a secret known to mystics; one can make a choice inwardly. Certain processes of mind can be learned and practised that promote successful resolutions to issues without external engagement with circumstances. In simple terms this is the orientation of attention stubbornly in the direction of optimism. Expectation of good fortune is what attracts good fortune. We must discipline our feelings so that we do not exult in failure or the acceptance of disappointment. Self-pity is the rotting of mind and must be avoided at all costs. |
TRUTH
Truth and Personal PowerWe need to look at two aspects of untruth – the outer and inner. People tell lies, deceive and manipulate as a strategy to achieve a result they feel they could not otherwise manage. This indicates a lack of power. There is no need for untruth if we have the power simply to state our requirements and have them met. Therefore by allowing our words to register untruth, we are instructing ourselves to diminish our strength and cement impotence into personality.
It gets even worse when the person we are lying to is ourselves. This self-betrayal is the most destructive force of all. If it is your life strategy to deceive and manipulate, then at least be honest about it to yourself! You see, the point is that if you were honest about lying, you would feel somewhat ashamed and, one prays, have then to begin the arduous task of self-rescue. There is reluctance to do this. Spirit is glorious, powerful, straightforward and indomitable; how can untruth ever be reconciled with that? Those who deceive are turning their back on Spirit. |
Be True to Yourself to be RealTo discover whether a person feels powerless, we can look at the evidence that is found in their words and feelings. They speak words that register blame, self-pity and pessimism. “The government is made up of dishonest fools; my disappointments are the result of the ineptitude of others; my lover is selfish and inconsiderate; it was better in the old days; there’s nothing to be done about it; life’s a shit and then you die”. These words are more than just evidence of powerlessness, they actually create the condition. And this condition is felt as depression, frustration, ennui and petulance. It is thoroughly destructive.
White lies are to be avoided. They turn grey and then black as the degeneration worsens. If someone asks you if you like their new clothes, and in fact you don’t like them, then say so. If they get upset about it, well whose problem is that? Do you really want their emotional immaturity to sponsor your own inauthenticity? Why would you do that? Even on important matters where truth may cost us dear, we nevertheless need to stand firm and trust that all will turn out well in the end. Yes it does take courage. |
Truth, Whole Truth, and Nothing but...There is perhaps one exception, for all but the most zealous spiritual aspirant. In the event that we are being coerced and the price for truth-telling is simply beyond our capacity to bear, then perhaps we will speak falsely. In this case it is enough that we admit inwardly – I am lying to avoid submission to a greater power.
It is certainly a major challenge to adhere to the principle of truth-telling; especially since society is structured around the opposite principle. Two particularly offensive laws exist that speak eloquently of this. One is called ‘caveat emptor’, or ‘buyer beware’. In other words, ‘expect to be cheated’. The other is more heinous – in courts, on oath we are required to ‘tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth’. This is absolute nonsense, an absurd, unattainable requirement. It’s made worse by the permission given to prosecutors to bully the witness and interrupt their testimony. His intention is to win, not to discover facts, so how can he not bend ‘truth’ to favour his client’s position? |
Emotion and ReasonIt is rather similar in ordinary conversations. The other person is always coming from a position and often has a vested interest to bend the facts. In such conversations, almost always emotionality wins over reason; and the loser is truth. We need to notice this. Whenever a conversation becomes highly charged, then truth is in peril.
To speak an unpalatable truth, it is better to speak softly and from our own experience, beginning sentences with ‘I’ not ‘You’. And the words ‘I feel that you…’ count as ‘You’. Furthermore, if we have our own agenda, and if we are more concerned with that than truth, then truth will dissolve into the ethers. |
The Truth Shall Set You FreeSo why go to all this trouble, if the odds are so powerfully stacked against us, and everyone else lies anyway? The answer is found both in spiritual teachings and in our body sensations. ‘The Truth shall set you free’, a much-quoted aphorism, is the short version of a biblical passage that suggests that we first have to get ourselves into a heightened state of consciousness, metaphorically labelled the Kingdom of Heaven. Then we will know the truth and, as a result, become liberated. The implication is that untruth is a prison for the unawakened. In Sufism the path of truth is considered the fast-track to self-realisation.
But anyway, we need not make this a matter of goodness or morality. It feels so very much better to live without deception. The body thrives on authenticity, and suffers discomfort, and eventual debilitation, when the mouth dissembles. Surely we already know this? In this world – called the World of Lies by Sufis – what happens when we adopt radical truth-telling as a life strategy is that we offend lots of people very deeply. This leads to rejection and loss; we lose those who cannot face the truth. We can become somewhat unemployable, rather intimidating, out of kilter with our social group and generally thrown back upon our own resources to cope with the resultant isolation. Yet out of these ashes is born a phoenix. What follows is real, deep and profoundly satisfying – a true reward for having the integrity and strength to be authentic in our every action and involvement. |